Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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