You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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