Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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