This is not my ceiling
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize