for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
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someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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