tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
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I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
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I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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