please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
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also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
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I want to fling myself into the sun
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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