Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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