i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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