A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
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