naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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