Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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