I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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