Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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