i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
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my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
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I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Who put my cat in the fridge?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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