I just pynch a tree in the face
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
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I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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