Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize