Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she looked like the before picture.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize