This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I AM VODKA MAN
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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