I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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