I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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