we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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