My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize