Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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