the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize