I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
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I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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