Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize