she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
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So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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