Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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