How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize