You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
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I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
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Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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