my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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