your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I accidentally burped into my bong.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
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you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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