I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
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I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
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She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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