so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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