It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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