So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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