did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize