This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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