do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize