I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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