Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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