I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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