Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize