any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
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No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
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