I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize