Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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