i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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