3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize