My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
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Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
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Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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